Attachment Depression

Sigh... I feel like it's getting more serious every single time I watch dramas... I just watched Prosecutor Princess and I feel like bursting in tears (sorta.. almost to that extent) because I miss it... and I really like this song in there and so I am listening to it... but every time I am listening to it, it makes me miss the drama and the main characters more... booooo.. I think out of all the dramas... maybe he is my ideal guy. He ate her food! A guy who eats my leftovers or the food that I don't like can win my heart easily. lolll! Depends on how he is though. And he was always protecting her when she needed help... it was such a strong love... although it was an evil story. Blaaahh. It turned out to be really really really goooooood. I mean well, FOR now he is the ideal one.. I don't know about the overall dramas yet.. I haven't really have the time to think of it.. Lol!. But blah! I miss it so much it hurts.. BOO! I guess I am depressed because in the dramas, it has all these romance... the tight hugs, the warmth, the caring, the passionate kisses... it makes me want to experience it. It makes me want to have a boyfriend... it makes me not want to be single.. It made me feel alone. I started reminiscing the past of my so called relationships. Each one of them gave me something that the other didn't have...
The first one gave the feelings that I never experienced before, it made me know that I had another side to me.. another side that I would be embarrassed to speak of lol. He also made me open up to people so that they can care about me too, and it shouldn't always be the other way around. He was also the one who opened another chapter in my life into the dating world. Although, it wasn't officially dating lol, he allowed me to open up to people and start something with a guy. A relationship. At first, I was so scared... so scared that my parents would catch me.. so scared of going behind their back.. scared that I was doing something bad.. but then I grew out of it... I matured and wasn't as afraid any longer. He also gave me the first pain... I cried and cried, but then it just told me that I will experience this again.. and that I should be careful.. by being in pain.. it told me that in the dating world, there will be a whole lot of heartbreaks. But I stayed strong. It allowed me to get closer to my friends, because I was finally able to tell them my pains, and they helped me through it.. I really appreciate them being there for me. It helped me a lot. And when I got over that pain... it just told me that time will heal a lot of things... time will heal pain. Time will wash and fade away all the feelings I once had. It was nice, knowing I could get over a person like that. It helped me moved on. And most importantly, not fall for an internet guy. Lol this is probably my MOST embarrassing thing to talk about. I really do not like to talk about him that much... because I felt like a loser.. for actually liking him.. an internet guy, but hey, I definitely learned my lesson.
The 2nd one gave me insecurities, but at the same time.. I felt like I was his only. He made me feel so special... I knew he flirted with other girls, but I knew that he kept me as the main girl.. and that was probably why I stayed with him for that long. His insecurities wasn't just all, he also gave me the feelings that I am someone, that I am a girl who a guy will actually like! That I wasn't all that ugly. His charms were probably the way how he talked to me. It was always sweet talk one after another, it was cute. It was a cute love. Although, it was cheesy. But to be honest, I think being cheesy is cute lol. Not all the time cheesy though. I felt really loved by him. I felt that he can always catch my heart... I felt that I will always fall for his words. He always made me feel all bubbly inside lol. And the first guy that actually put his arms around my waist. When he first did it, I got so scared and shocked... but then thinking back.. it felt nice. Ahahah.. I miss that feeling. I miss what he did, I miss the flirting actually. But besides that, it was the start of another pain, he showed me that not all guys are nice.. he made me realize that guys can be a player.. who mess with girl's heart. That he wasn't the only one, that there were many others who are just like him. Probably just waiting for me to fall into their traps. And yet again, time did heal for me. And friends were there. And it was the end of that.
The third guy..was the one who made me broke my wall. I told myself that I will not like another guy again, and that all these heartbreaks were just too painful for me to handle.. and that I do not want to go through it again until later on in life.. but it was the guy who I liked for 3-4 years. How can I pass that.. the guy who I liked for so long.. had finally liked me back.. and so I gave him a chance, the guy who told me it would be okay. The guy who said it was okay for us to talk, even though he knows that I am limited, (limited as in, not being able to go out as much) and most importantly he was the one who I thought was THE ONE. He had all the things I looked for in a guy, he was random, taller than me, older than me, he can cook, he was funny, he was a gamer, he's not the only child, he has a nice family, and he traveled out of the country before, and he was once dressed like an asiany kid. Ahaha I thought that was really cool. I crushed on him for about 3 to 4 years now. but stayed quiet, because he was dating my close friend, or either.. because he was my close friend's ex. Just secretly liking him was fine.. I was always wondering what he was doing though.. and so I just randomly text him from time to time.. like once a month or two or five. Lol.. I was writing my feelings into my phone, that locks everything that I put in there. Basically a phone diary. I put things like.. I wonder if he likes me.. that would be weird. And around a month later, when I texted him, he started to text me.. like it was actually an all day text. Then he texted me the next day, this was really weird for me. He NEVER texted me first, unless it was some chain letters saying how he was grateful that I was his friend. Okay I am getting off track.. and well anyways, we can save the whole story for another day's time. But he was the one who made me feel like I have hope again. He made me really warm, and he really cared for me. He made me feel like he was going to be with me for a really long time. I felt really happy, I felt like I was done, I didn't need other guys, because I had him. Because he was the one for me. I didn't want anyone else, I felt like there was no other guy better than him. And because of that, I felt that I can tell my sister everything. Not just only my friends, it was my family. The one who I was afraid to tell, it opened the bigger bond between me and my family.. I was getting ready to tell my mom that I really like a guy.. and that to tell her that I am old enough to do what I'm doing. But thankfully, I only told my sister. The one who I am closest to. And I am glad I did. What I really missed about him is that he gave me this really tight and long hug outside of the church.. where everybody saw us. Thinking back, it was like I was in an Asian Drama, and the guy just pulled the girl to her and hugged her. Lol it was similar to me. Time had basically stopped, and I had no idea what was happening around my surroundings.. it felt amazing. The way how he held me so tight. But all the happiness shattered apart when I started feeling that he wasn't into me anymore. And the moment of truth came out. And it happened once again, my heart like basically died for a moment. The one guy who I thought was THE ONE, the one guy who I thought no guy could replace him, no one who would be better than him had told me he no longer had feelings for me. Wow right? I felt like giving up and I could not handle anything anymore. I couldn't handle holding my tears in. I had to let it out, and the reason why I was thankful that I told my sister was because I was able to cry in front of her and not hide from my family. I was able to cry peacefully in front of her. I let it all out... and it felt nice. I was really thankful that my sister was there.. for she was able to be there with me and not over phone or internet. Where people just say it's okay. No, it was not okay. I really couldn't even go on anymore if my sister wasn't to be there. Sighh. I know I am being repetitive with the wholoe thankful thing, but it was just to emphasize it. It was probably the most painful heartbreaks I ever went through. I regret ever talking to him, I regret letting him enter my life. But time passed, and I realize that I was glad he entered my life. He was able to let me know how being with him felt. And being with him, was not meant to be. And so I should move on. Even though it sounds easy to say, but it's really hard. My feelings for him are still there. I'm burying it at the bottom of my heart, but his presence is like the wind... and my feelings is like the sand. When the wind comes, the sand flies... and When he comes, my feelings flies, and I start to feel it in my heart again.. BUT that's okay, just as how time will heal for the 1st and 2nd guy, I am pretty sure someone else will surpasses my feelings for the 3rd guy. Someone who will make me feel like all these guys were nothing.. but memories. Anyway, he made me learn that no matter how much I think any guy is "the one" I can never be so sure of that, because at any time in your life.. something can change.. and I should not think of those kind of things.. because in the end, the one thinking seriously with one thought only and no other options will be the one that will gets hurt deeply.


Monday Kiz - Goodbye My Princess
The song from Prosecutor Princess was played throughout this whole time I was blogging. Hrm.. let's say it was like my inspiration or something if that made any sensee