Speechless

I really don't have anything left to say anymore. To my friends, family, acquaintances , the world. I truly miss the past. My family and friends. Our long conversations that will never end. BUT oh well, it's time to move on. Life got better people for me out there. People said I drifted apart from them? Uhm yeah okay. I was always there but that's past tense. If you want to talk to me when you need me or have someone to talk to. Then yeahh I'm here, but I won't always be here. I'll eventually move on and live my own life. And once I move on, I won't be coming back. To be honest, I had always wanted to be the one person who is hard to talk to, hard to get close to because the me now is so easy let's just say. I feel like a retard always being there for others.. and yet no one can be there for me. I'm always living for others. I'm just a tool that people uses. Something that can help them when they are in need. But once I'm of no use, they throw me away and get another tool. I feel like I've changed. I am no longer the Tina who used to be hyper.. the girl who is fun to talk to. The girl who is well whatever people describe her to be. I'm just an ordinary SUPER nice person now. Gahh fuck that shit man. I hate it when people say I'm too nice. Like stfu. If you think I'm too nice, that just means you don't know anything about me. You don't know what's going on in my head. Just because I do your shit or is quiet around a person doesn't mean I'm nice. Sigh.. I just wish that there is just one person who can understand that. Someone who knows me. I just want a person who I can look the ugliest to. Who I can be sooo comfortable with. Someone who I can be rude to without them judging me. Someone who I don't have to be all nice to all the time. Someone who I can speak my mind to. Someone who I can sing and dance to without being embarrass. Someone who I can be relaxed with. I'm tired of it. Tired of everything. Tired of being the way people expect me to be. Tired of impressing the world. Tired of being smart. Tired of always worrying. Tired of always thinking. Tired of wondering. Tired of wanting to be skinny and knowing I can't because the more I work out, the more I gain. Tired of not being able to do anything because I lose focus. Tired of fantasizing. Tired of remembering my old friends and our memories when they probably already forgot me. Tired of wanting to make new friends. Tired of being the third wheel. Tired of this loneliness that I am in. Tired that I feel ugly. Tired that I feel fat. Tired of trying. Tired that I'm always the quiet girl. Tired that there is only one person who actually knows who I am, and he isn't even close to me. Tired that I have to live here. Tired that I feel like I don't have any friends. Tired that I'm always thinking of him even though I know that I wouldn't want to be with him. Tired that I feel replaced. Tired that I feel that this world is empty. Tired of wondering why I'm here. Tired that I'm always alone in my room because whenever I go talk to my sisters or mom, there would be arguments. Tired that because this place is so small, that there is nothing to do and my only entertainment is watching dramas. Tired that I have no life. Tired that my life consists of school work and Asian dramas. Tired that everyone around me has moved on, and I'm stuck in the past. Tired that I am complaining about everything when I should be thankful for everything that I have now. I just want to start new somewhere else. I probably contradicted a lot in this whole blog.. by saying I'm speechless, yet I got a whole paragraph to write about. But only a person who understands me would get why I'm so speechless, yet I wrote a novel. Only a person who understands me would get my contradictions.