School.

So today.. as i woke up i kept on gagging a whole bunch of times.. knowing that i wont puke.. i just laid there.. well as the minutes kept on going.. i asked my mom can i stay home.. cause i dont feel too good.. and then she saidd yes. and i know she would.. so i just slept.. to tell you the truth.. im not that sick to have the need to stay at home. the real reason was that. i needed a day where i can be by myself and just think of everthing and calm down.. these past few weeks/months has been so hectic. right now as im calming down i feel the need to tell God about everything. talking to him really makes me feel better. in the past i have always been talking to him.. but as time passed by.. i stopped.. maybee because i stopped was the reason why i havent got that much happiness in my life. sooo from now on im trying to talk to him more.. i mean he IS the one who knows me best. more than mee thats for sure. talking to him, i have realized so many things.. maybee having all these depressions can help me learn from it and to help other people who share the same problems i have in the future. or maybee all these depressions can comee so that i can experience happiness later. i once saidd life is like an equilibrium. if you are in the moment of sadness, the momment of happiness will soon to come. you cant be happy all the time.. and you cant be sad all the time.. you just gotta think not only about the problems you have. but the other problems people are facing. i meann.. other people doesnt have a home to livee.. or families and friends to be with them.. and here you areee thinkingg about your own problems.. that isnt even major. compare to other people in the world.. do you not feel luckyy that you have a home? friends? families? and you're sad becauseee someone had just left you.. someone just hurted you.. well think about other people for a minute.. they dont even have at least ONE person in their life to make them happy or anything. this planet isnt meant to have a happy life really.. its just a test that God is puttingg you through to see if you deserve to livee in a happy place with no worries with him. you gotta do something good to get your prize right? so what the hell am i doing heree thinking about a guy and my own life.. when other people have it worse than me..? i mean i know i cant help it.. but God! please let mee have the strengthh to move on completely and let me live without a care in the world. and let me focus on things that are meant to be focused on. even though all these things are happening, i cant just wish for things and think things will happen in the future. because the only thing that will happen is a letdown. i need to think whats right in front of me and what is happening now.. i know its easily said, but its just so hard to do. everyone is giving me the same advice, i should cherish thosee advice. but again.. its so hard. i live in a world where its nothing but pain, one after another.. there are no COMPLETE happiness whatsoever. even a person living alonee can at least have one pain.. even the person who has everything he wished for could have at leasst one pain. but me.. i have loads. even though i have all the lovee from my families and friends.. but as for my families.. i cant feel it. i know its there... my mom has been so caught up with her job.. and we barely talk.. and she has a "friend" who she talks to.. i know she loves me dearly and with all her heart. but its just something that she havent shown me in awhile. shes trying so hard to raise us.. she has 4 daughters. and is a single mom. soo i guess i can understand. but i need more than that.. and as for my three sisters.. they are so caught up with their boyfriend/jobs/friends/and studying that they barely have anytime for me anymore.. and if they do. all they tell me do is do chores. or we just fight.. yes i know once again. they DO love me, cause then they wouldnt have spoil me. but still. shoudnt families be there to comfort you when you are at your lowest point? but i cant even do that.. consider what im going through.. i mean i cant tell themm that a guy broke my heart.. like hell can i do that.. if i told them that.. then they must know that i have been talking to guys.. and thats like a BIG nono at my house. well for me that is. soo in order for them not to know.. i cant tell themm that.. soo i guess having the comfort of my families is impossible. they always do things that they think is best for me.. transfer me to this new school so i can have a better life? more like hell. just becausee i got better grades.. doesnt mean anything.. i rather have as much happiness i can get then being down in the dumps making good grades.. good grades for what? to go to college? whaaat. more studying? and then after? go to work? aww thats funn.. studying and work isnt everything.. it isnt happiness, well for me it isnt.. soo whyy?.. sighh.. i cant even talk to my families about my innermost feelings.. as for my friends.. i barely get to see them! they all go to different schools. at my school.. i always feel so lifeless... and friends? i sometimes feel like they are backstabbers.. two faced... and ahh.. well not al of them are like that. and the ones that arent like that.. im not even close to them.. they dont make my day.. my bestfriends however. always makes my day.. but i can never get to see them! one a year? month? week? .. well thats a lot. and lets go back to friends.. ahhh.. friends.. how fine they are.. once i see them.. nothing but pain come crashing into my mind. what they did.. i know its not their fault.. but still. i wanna start anew. but once i do.. i feel like im going to leave behind many of my great memories.. and im not ready to do that. i think im just missing a feeling.. a feeling of being onceee loved. lol. how gay does that sound? well not like love.. but as in likee comfort. i miss that feelingg of being cared for. but now it just disappeared. what i once had, had became someone elses. maybee i should be happy? for them? causee they now have a happiness they can live for? i meannn. sacrifice is a great amount of deal. and thats a good thing.. riight? hrmm maybe so. i would say.. i believe i will marry a great man.. even though my past relationship was horrible. but like i said in the beginning.. i shouldnt think of that. causee what if it never happens? it will only be a letdown right?. i shouldnt close my heart all the way. but i gotta be careful. im not sure where im going with this anymoree. what happened to talking about friends?? forget it.. its probably not even worth it.. wait.. i thought we were talking about schoool? i meann.. that is the title? ha. i dont even care anymoree.. lets go to the amusement park. i wanna ride those scary rides. someebody take me!