Part One - Regrets.

Ohkay.. so this will be one hell of a blog.
It all started before October when i had a sudden feeling that i miss this guy.. lets just call him Kword. We go way back into the 7th gradee when we first started talking.. he was telling me many sweet things just to get ahold of me.. but then that time i was young.. i wasnt ready for a relationship.. i was scared.. and that time i didnt feel like feeling a guilt toward my mom.. so yeahh i told him to stop.. :/ then he stopped.. so during my 8th grade year.. i talked to this other dude online.. lets call him JerkFace? uhmm hee was pretty cool.. but i regret liking him soooooooooo muchhhhh. it was so embarrassing that i could ever like a guyy on the internet! how horrible is that.. i mean.. he's an onlinee guy.. like.. what if hes not even real? i mean i know he is.. since i talked to him on the phone.. but its just plain weird. and ahh it was gross. thats all i can say. anyways im not gonna talk about him anymore.. this blog wasnt even meant for him.. anyways! lets get back to the main part. Back to Kword.--during September of my 9th grade year.. i misssed what kword had said to me.. i miss how he was trying to get me and saying all these sweet things.. so i texted him.. just to see if he would talk to me like he would beforeee or somethinggg.. and he did.. little did i know that things would of have turned out like this.. the feeling of missing him again.. like i did in September would happen again in January, but i miss him way more now. anywayss back to September. we were just textingg back and forth.. well not really. it started with AIM. yeap.. i didnt think that all it took was a text away.. im gladd i made that choice.. well yeahh. then now we go into October, ohkay so everything was going along greatt! andd it was fun and everything.. since he was just a sweet guy i decided to let him enter my heart for a bit. As November came.. i started to have a feeling of whether i should like him or not.. it kept on going for weeks, my mind was going through "i like you, i dont like you, i like you, i dont like you" for probably about a month. Until on December, i decided to stick with one feeling. and it was to like him. it was all going well i guess again.. then January came.. my sudden feeling of insecurity and being scared cameee running though my mind. As people were telling me what a flirter he wass, i got even more scared. :/ i didnt like the feeling of beingg insecured. So one day on a sunday to be exact. he didnt talk to me.. i felt as if maybe his feelings changed.. so then i texted him that afternoon after he texted me.. i told him maybe i should just let him go.. as in not talking anymore. i know we werent dating.. but we were just in the process. after i said this i got an unexpected reply. he told mee to do whatever that pleases me. coming from a guy that says this.. tells me he never really did liked me.. his love for me wasnt even that strong enough to beg me to go back to him and said sorry.. but i guess. i criedd after that.. i even cried myself to sleep.. as the week past by.. i started to realize something was missing in my life. i got so used to him saying so many sweet things to mee. and him texting me every single morning/day/night.. that all of a sudden this has stopped... i criedd and cried.. thinking about this. i realized what i had letted go. it was the biggest regret and bad choicei had made..
i miss him terribly.. so then Thursday came.. while we were "talking" everytimee he would leave he would somewhat put his hands around my waist and tell me he gotta go.. and yeah.. anyways! just when i thought he wouldnt do that anymore.. he did the same thing and told me "adios" i have no idea why he was speaking spanish to me... wth. anyways... yeahh. so im like.. hold up.. then all these confusion cameee.. i mean i know he doesnt like me anymore. cause hes a guy.. and the way how hes talking to me completely changed. any person would of have known. So TODAY on a sunday. its been a week. since i had letted him go. i cried so much this week that it could barely compare to last year. well yeah, back to the point. today.. i saw him hugged another girl......im like.. wow. he isnt the type to hug just anyone.. so the second i saw that.. the feelings os jealousy came? i know i shouldnt be jealous! but it hurted.. ahh likee what people would say.. it was like a knifee stabbing at me... or something.. so then i got so sad and whatever that i started attacking this dude.. lol. im sorry justin pham. he fell to the floor :/ i guess he did that so that i wont attack him anymore.. anyways. well yeah.. then i just got outside.. (it was time for thieu nhi and i didnt have my uniform so i didnt go) well once i got outside.. tears just came out! my friendsss was asking me what was wrong.. ahh it was horrible.. i couldnt go back inside cause my sister was there and i didnt want her to know i was crying.. so i just cried.. :[ a little bit.. and then i got back insideee to get water.. hrm i think that wasj ust my excuse to go inside the building to see him.... well i did saw him.. but it seems like he was paying no attention to me.. ahh then i got back outside.. and cried some more -.- i seem pretty weak at this point now. and i knoww that i shouldnt be crying over a guy like that.. (sorry duyen.. i know.. :/ im weak..) well then as i was just sitting alone.. i saw him having to go home.. as i was looking at him. from afar... i noticed he turned around... ahhh idk.. then blah.. i sat in my sisters car to pass the time.. waiting for church to start.. so then i texted this girl to ask kword if he still liked me.. then yeah.. to see if i would move on or not..here i was thinking that i might have ahope that maybe he does still kind of like me.. but ehh.. so then after church i went home.. and then i took a nap.. as i woke up.. i got a reply from that girl.. it said " He said no.. Sorry girl. he's nothing anyways. Lol" ahh. as i read that! OHH GOODNESS. did even MORE TEARSSS CAME OUT. i went into the restroom crying silently.. because my sisters was home.. so it was impossible to cry now.. aaaaahhhhh did that hurted!! i mean i rather him hug other girlsss then to hear that. well i signed on aim.. a few mins after i calmed down.. i saw him on.. and of course i imed him up and asked him straightforwardly "Tell me honestly, do you still like mee? so tha i can move onn........TRUTHFULLY" and he replied with a "a little, not that much" aahhh.. theres taht tiny hope that i was looking for! but that wasnt the answer i expected.. i was thinking he would of have said no.. i thought maybe today i can get the asnwer that i wanted.. to see whether i can move on or not.. but bc of that reply.. it didnt help.. so thenn we just talked and then he said " i thought you said that your feelings for me were fading" then i was like HOLD Up. was this all bc of a misunderstanding?!?! even though it was.. and we fixed it.. our relationship seems like it can never go back to the way it was before.. :/ well i told him that it wasnt fading.. more like it was growing.. ahh.. idk.. and we were just talking.. then i asked him.. if i should let him go.. even though i shouldnt be asking that.. but he said it was up to me.. OF COURSEE HE WOULD SAY THAT RIIGHT? coming from the guy who saidd "whatever pleases you" -.-... OH! and i told him EVERYTHING that was in my heart. well MAINLY .. it felt good.. but the only reply i got from him was "oh" wow.. riight? i mean.. i had just freakinn told him something that was straight out of my heart! and then later he was like.. " i got speechless.." well nawhs. no shit. -.- that part pissed me off.. so thennn he was telling meee how he hadd a bad week for THREE DAYS STRAIGHT and im like.. look here boy.. i got a bad week with SEVEN DAYS STRAIGHT. -.- ahh. so then he said it was worse.. so then i tried to comfort him.. telling him i understand or something.. then WHAT IN THE WORLDDD OF PIGS AND CHICKENSS OF THE EFFING MOTHER CRACKER WAS THIS.. he got mad at me!!!!!!!!!!!! im like.. o.o?!?!!? WHAT?! what the hell did i do?! then he was like nothing. im like wtf........ so then he said bye and stuff. so he signed off making me confused and lost @_@. about ten mins later.. he signed on.. telling me he wont be having a phone anymore.. so im like yeah i know.. due to personal reasons at home. andd yeahh i told him to feel better. and then he was likee noo, you feel better. and im like.. i cant.. its too hard.. and he just say keep on trying.. ahh so he wants me to move on that badly?!!?. but then earlierrr when i was asking himm if i should move on or not.. he said that it was a stupid move.. SOO .. say whaaaat?! he lost me COMPLETELY. the only thing i wish for this boy is to be specific -.- i can never get anything straight out of him. but he tends to be a smart ass. now that im not talking to him like that anymore. that basterd. lol. i know i got loads more to say but its missing in my head.. i still like him.. i wouldnt call it love.. causee.. i dont really know what love means.. i guess. :/ but whatever.. anywayss moving on would be a long way to go.. soo from now on i'll be in painn.. nothing can really heal it.. even when my friends are here.. i'll just laugh and thank them that they are here for me.. but it will only be a temporary moment. i feel like im over him. but once i think about how he hugged those girls.. and my DREAM! (tell you about it in a sec) i get all sad.. and jealous :[ oh and btw i broke his new year resolution.. it wass " to love me as long as he could" but knowing him he probably forgot about that resolution. i know i shouldnt be jealous about a hug.. but the way how he hugged them! it was just like him!! AHH! that kind of hug felt like it was giving off a vibe saying "bye, love you, see you later" :/ or maybe im just thinking to much cause thats what he did when he hugged mee :/ UGGGH! im so pissed! and i know i shouldnt!! causeee i hugged other guys too .. but as friends.. so maybee he hugged them as friends.. BUT THEN THOSE GIRLS ARE FLIRTS. with their camera whore self. I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT THEM LATER. thats will fall under part TWO. annoyance. UGHHH! im soo MAD.!!!! FEEEL MY ANGERR, WITH THESE CAPS.! usually when i type in caps it just means how strongly i am expressing those words.. not meant to be yelled. BUT IN THISS SITUATTION IT WILL MEANT AS YELLING! i am bursting with anger >:O! AAAARGH! i wanna slap someone. ON THE FACE. i dont get why people like punching on the face. i meann it will probably feel good.. and leave a black eye.. but slapping is like.. WOWWWWW. you can leave your handmarks on their face. OH! im off topic. so yeah about kword. he signed off again, and then im not even sure of anything anymore.. @_@ i wanna see him.. but the consequences is that.. i will probably have to see him flirt with other girls..... sigh.. God help me!. TINA!! YOU BUTTCRACK! HE IS NOT WORTH IT!!!! right duyen!?!? I KNOWW you are agreeing with meeeee. no doubt about that. but i cant help my feelings!!!! ughhh. anyways about that dream. i have been getting nightmares a lot lately.. so much that i cant even count it.. maybe its because he is always the last person who im thinking of before i fall asleepp.. soo one night as i was dreaming.. i had a dream some girl hacked into his myspace..posting picttures saying i love you :[ that hurts.. !!! so meaning he had a girlfriend! im like WTF!!! he got over me so fast.. why cant i be a guy and move onn in like a few hours. the longest prob for a few days. well thats some guys.. not all. sorry. butyeah.. i wont see him until thursday.. and today is only sunday. so thats four more days.. i wanna move to houston. i can.. but my friend told mee that would be a bad choice.. since its a much bigger placeee with a whole lot of more people.. that just means more drama. hrmm.. but this town.. is like.. ahh.. the guys/girls or either related to you. or theyy went out with your friends/families already. eww BS! then when you date that person. it will just be awkward with your friends. ugh. im regretting. as i log out of this blog. im pretty sure the feelings of loneliness will be sure to come back and haunt me. i no longer have a guy to talk too.. he's gone... even though there will be that little hope.. but i doubt it.. only a miracle can helpp mee now.. sighh.. i can never cry enough. i wish i can cry my heart out.. i wanna scream. but because my life is filled with people watching me.. i cant. im a person with a limited choice.
i wanna escape. :/ i likee the night time.. it tells me that time has passed. i wish i can walk outside and think things.. but nope. we live in a society whereee you get robbed/kidnapped/raped/etc. as soon as you would out of the door. what a life. well all i can say now is that.. i miss him.